Dénouement

I've been MIA the past couple of weeks, feeling very unsure about what to write. If my life was a series of mini-novels, my resignation would have been the climax of this particular novella. From Wikipedia:

The third act is that of the climax, or turning point, which marks a change, for the better or the worse, in the protagonist’s affairs. If the story is a comedy, things will have gone badly for the protagonist up to this point; now, the tide, so to speak, will turn, and things will begin to go well for him or her. If the story is a tragedy, the opposite state of affairs will ensue, with things going from good to bad for the protagonist.

After the climax, you have the falling action and then, the dénouement which

comprises events between the falling action and the actual end of the drama or narrative and thus serves as the conclusion of the story. Conflicts are resolved, creating normality for the characters and a sense of catharsis, or release of tension and anxiety, for the reader.

A good writer doesn't spend a lot of time on a dénouement - at that point, the story is pretty much over. And that's exactly how I felt after my resignation went live. For a few days after, I felt exhausted and slept a lot more than usual. I visited my chiropractor, who was astounded at how bad my back was, and attributed my imbalance to the stress of the previous few weeks, before trying to massage it away. I baked for a few parties, started to plan my pies for a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving party we're throwing in early November, and put together the lesson plan for my second cooking class.

I very much feel as though I'm returning to normal, but normal feels a little weird! At some point, all of the frustration, anger, and stress began to feel like normal. Now that it's all disappearing, I don't really want to talk about it anymore, especially not with the passion and fervor that I had before. Now, it's just something that happened and it's moving-on time. This particular story is over.

On to the next! I'll get my appointment to register for classes in a couple of weeks, and will be looking forward to that. I also have a series of professional baking classes in mid-November that I'm very excited about. Tomorrow, I'll be teaching that cooking class, and I'll post some recipes from that later this week. I imagine this blog will be shifting to focus more on food, school, and future buisness opportunities, and much less on PubCo, as my focus begins to shift in real life.

Is there anything in particular you'd like to see recipe-wise? Any parties you're obligated to bring food to and need some suggestions? I hope you feel free to send a note or a question any time you think of it!

New Adventures

Some big things have happened in the past couple of weeks. Mountain Man got a job that will keep us in the area (and is better-paying). I had a couple of important conversations with my boss that have lead to me writing a letter of resignation.

It wasn't a bad situation - she asked me if I was any happier doing my job and I said no, I wasn't but I was going to continue doing my job until I found out whether I got in to culinary school. She was very supportive and said that baking was a perfect fit for my personality and for what I find to be important in life (not just baked goods, but also getting people together and making them happy). So that was encouraging. I went away to Arizona (see here), didn't have a great time, and came home to an invitation from my boss to have coffee and talk about "my situation" (to which I replied "it sounds like I'm knocked up in the 1800s).

During coffee, she said she had been thinking about what we had discussed, and she said she kept getting stuck on one question - "If she doesn't get into culinary school, would she want to remain at PubCo?" And that was the question she posed to me. It was a question I'd not truly asked myself, and she suggested I take some time to think about it - but that if my answer was "no" that her suggestion (as a friend) would be to come up with a Plan B and go ahead and resign now. And this wasn't done to push me out, I know that - but to get me to think about my options if I had to wait to attend culinary school. Stay at PubCo (bleh) or do something else (horray).

I took the weekend to discuss with Mountain Man, my parents, my sister, and my best friend. They all thought me resigning from PubCo would be just fine. With MM's new job and raise, we would be able to get by. I could freelance or work for my dad or get a part-time retail job. Or, the Plan B I landed on and am most excited about - I could figure out how to sell baked goods (pies, really) at farmer's markets and do that a few days a week. Doesn't that sound exciting?

So this past Tuesday, during my one-on-one with my boss, I told her that she was right. That the responsible thing for me to do for myself and for PubCo (since I didn't keep my mouth shut in the first place) would be to go ahead and resign. She said "I knew you were going to say that, but I was hoping you weren't" and was visibly saddened by my decision. She said she remains supportive, but I'm sure there's a little part of her that could have figured out how to make me stay. I wrote my letter on Wednesday, giving PubCo two months to find my replacement - my last day (still awaiting approval) will be December 17.

I'm so relieved. After sending the letter, I immediately felt exhausted - as if all the stress and frustration and anger was keeping me going, and now I had none of that to keep me moving. After a few days of needing some extra sleep, I'm doing much better. Even though I'm sad to be leaving my friends and the wonderful people I work with, I feel so much lighter having made this decision.

So I'm definitely doing this. Either culinary school or selling pies at farmer's markets - or something else entirely! I'm open to ideas (especially what to call a pie stand at a farmer's market) or suggestions or business opportunities (i.e. I'll make pies for your wedding or next event). Send them along!

Your Favorite Spot

The CEO of PubCo likes to tell this story about how he one day went to a university campus for some meetings and saw some "signs" that universities are alive and well. He thought that construction sites on campus were a sign that the university had money and were growing. Seeing tours and kids going through orientation was a sign that, yes, kids are still going to college. And melting bikes (that is, those bikes that are left behind during spring vacation and sort of "melt" into the asphalt) are a sign of...hmm. I don't remember. Even though I've heard this story twice, I still don't get the melting bikes thing.

Well, today, sadly, I'm visiting a university campus. As I'm still trying to do my best at PubCo until the judgment is handed down on culinary school, I'm spending the next three days visiting professors, asking what they're teaching and researching, and whether they might be interested in writing a book. It's one of the most important parts of my job since it involves prospecting, but it's also my least favorite. Especially now, when I know (I hope) I'll be leaving in a matter of months. But I'm doing my best.

For lunch, I've parked myself on a couch at the Starbucks located in the business school building, and I've been watching the students in and out of the cafe. Every single kid is doing at least one of the following: talking on a cell phone, using a laptop, listening to an iPod. I can write about the technology takeover (I don't see anyone reading a print book), but that's not what's interesting to me.

This Starbucks seems to be a favorite haunt for some people, in the same way every other Starbucks is for others. There's a girl behind me tutoring another girl on her computer, and she was tutoring someone else a few minutes ago. Two guys just walked in and went immediately to the free water station and left without ordering coffee. One girl has been here long enough to warrant going to the register a second time (I missed the first time, but she's been here longer than me). The kids behind the register (and they really are kids) are loud and laugh a lot when the line has been dealt with.

Even though it's in a different state and on a university campus, it still feels familiar to me. It's the same green aprons, the same not great, but consistently good enough coffee, the same drink names being yelled out. You can go to a Starbucks in Paris and you would find the same thing (although, why would you?). It makes me think of home, in a weird little way.

This is not to say that my future bakery is going to become a global brand with homogenous locations all over the world. But it is to say that Starbucks has done a pretty good job of becoming a comfortable and safe spot and that's something to admire.

It begs the question: What's your favorite home-away-from-home restaurant or cafe? Why? Is it the ambience? The people you meet? The fact that they allow dogs? And if you don't have a favorite spot, why not? What would make you commit?

So that's what I got from my campus trip today. And I didn't see any melting bikes.

Getting Out of My Funk

I have been a little down in the dumps recently, to the extent that when I mentioned to some friends that I thought I might be depressed, one of them said "You are!" with the conviction of someone who was watching things fall apart in front of her. I went home and asked Mountain Man if he thought I was depressed, and he asked if I felt depressed...and when I thought about it honestly, my response was that I did.

I'm not a sad person, and I generally have an optimistic attitude. But all that has been happening at PubCo has made me sad. What made me really sad is that a friend of mine put in her resignation last week. She doesn't have anything lined up, but she is so unhappy here that she just had to get out. Another friend put in her resignation yesterday for similar reasons. Both already seem much happier - even with all the worry and stress that not having a job in two weeks brings.

My sadness has been evident to a lot of people, most notably, my boss. I think I've mentioned before that I think my boss is great. She sincerely cares about her employees - and not just about how they're doing at PubCo, but also how they're doing in life. And last week she let me know that she could tell I haven't been happy and asked me what I've been thinking about PubCo and about my job. And I had to let it all out.

I don't need to go into things too much, but I did let her know that I have been researching culinary schools and that my goal would be to start classes in January, thereby ending my time at PubCo. And her first response wasn't to try to convince me to stay or to throw money at me or anything like that. Her first response was to say that it made sense that I would want to do something that I was passionate about, that I loved, that I was good at, and that matched with my values. And then she went on to ask which programs I was looking at and even suggested a program one of her friends went through.

After 15 minutes of that, we looped back to things here - why I wanted to leave, what wasn't working, and what I wanted to do in the next few months, before I find out about culinary school. My answer was easy - in the meantime, I'm going to continue doing my job. That's the only thing I can do - and if I can do anything to help things for my colleagues and friends, then I would do that too. She let me know that there was no need for the higher-ups to know all of this until everything was certain, which makes me feel a little safer than I might otherwise.

After this very intense conversation, I left to have lunch with a new friend who knows what's been happening, and after I told her about my talk with my boss, she said "you seem so much happier than the last time we had lunch." Another friend suggested that her picking up on that should be a sign that this is the right decision.

Over the weekend, Mountain Man and I took a little road trip, and the whole time, all I could think about was the bakery and new ideas for baked goods. But when I came home, and Mountain Man had to leave for a few days for an interview, I got sad again. But it was a different kind of sad.

This was the kind that isn't only sad, but is also questioning and doubting and putting me down, and thoughts of "you can't do this" and "what makes you think you'll succeed" and "you're crazy for leaving a steady job" started running through my head. I got up to try out a pie idea I had with all of those thoughts tainting everything, and I blame those thoughts on the fact that I forgot to add sugar to the pie and that I didn't add enough liquid to make it a true, gooey pie. When I took it out of the oven, there were no bubbling juices and the fruit was still a little crunchy. The nasty thoughts came rushing back and I spent the rest of the afternoon moping about how I'm not a pie genius like the girl from The Waitress, and things like this happen to me all the time when I bake. I don't have enough basic knowledge yet to know exactly what needs to go into a recipe to make it work perfectly the first time. So I moped, and I sighed, and I even cried a little.

And then I got sick of myself and had to force those nasty thoughts out of my head. No one is automatically great at anything, unless they are a genius or a child prodigy. People have to work at things to be good at them. Culinary school will teach me the basic skills, and in the meantime, I get to try and maybe fail but always try again at making something truly delicious. And anyway, it's not worth it to be sad about things you can't change - the only thing you can change is how you react to those things and what you can do for yourself.

I do think Dolly Parton helped me out of this funk a bit - on our road trip, I visited a Cracker Barrel for the first time and bought a Dolly Parton CD from the gift shop, which included a song called "Better Get to Livin'". All the lyrics can be read here, but I'll leave you with this verse:

I said you'd better get to livin', givin'
Be willing and forgivin'
Cause all healing has to start with you
You better stop whining, pining
Get your dreams in line
And then just shine, design, refine
Until they come true
And you better get to livin'

Windows

At the PubCo office, I sit opposite a bank of windows that look out onto some trees and the mountain range that blocks us from the ocean. I'm almost happy that I don't sit directly at the window, because I know I would spend all day staring out the window dreaming up recipes and bakery decor ideas and the ads I would place in local newspapers and magazines. As it is now, I have to turn my head to look out the window and if I do it for too long, I get a crick in my neck.


Today, after dealing with a morning of flickering fluorescent light bulbs, two of the three bulbs in the unit above my desk burnt out. It is, all of a sudden, very dark and cave-like in my cubicle. I feel a little like Milton from Office Space, when he was told to move into the basement. The two desk laps I already have on my desk aren't helping, and neither is the light from the windows.

It's made me think about some ideas for what I want my bakery to look like. Definitely bright, with a lot of windows. Maybe some plants in pots around the interior and leading the way inside. Photos and art on the walls, and old bells on the front door to let me know that people have arrived and need serving. Natural colors - blues, greens, with white accents. No gray - it will make me think of the cubicle world I currently live in and am looking forward to leaving!

Culinary School

Just a little note to share with you that I've just submitted an application to start culinary school in January. I've been thinking about it as a possible first-step in this whole corporate-worker-to-bakery-owner process and have decided that it's a very reasonable next step. I'd be able to imrpove on my cooking/baking/knife skills, and doing it at a local community college would be cost-efficient.

When I brought it up to my mom, she said "but you already know how to cook!" Valid point, but it's the restaurant management, sanitation, and how to keep a stocked pantry courses that would be most useful for the future.

And starting in January? I've decided that I'd rather not wait to get started on this next phase of my career and life. My chiropractor recently had a mini-stroke, and she's making some changes in her life because she's realized that life is short and could end at any time. I need to do this for me now - so I don't get stuck in a rut just because it's comfortable.

Culinary school would be a full-time endeavor...which would mean my term at PubCo would need to end, at least on a daily basis. My dad suggested what I had already been thinking - that there may be an opportunity to freelance for PubCo, especially since everyone could use the support and I already know the systems and procedures. If I'm allowed, and management doesn't hold a grudge, I'm on board.

I'll be sure to let you know once I'm officially accepted - I submitted the application, but I also need to go through the interview process they require. When that's all done, you'll all be among the first to know!

Work / Family Balance

With everything I've been mulling over regarding leaving PubCo and opening a bakery, it's not surprising that my manager has noticed that my "energy level seems low" at work. I know I've been preoccupied, and when I'm up and walking around, I'm sure it's apparent that my mind is somewhere else. That somewhere else is thinking up recipes and wondering how much freezer cases cost and thinking about how many employees I'd need to hire right off the bat.

At our one-on-one meeting yesterday, she asked me how I've been feeling about the job recently and I was relatively honest with her. I told her that the current workload was fine but that I was thinking about the future, knowing I'm not willing to put in the time commitment that seemed required at PubCo. Especially after Mountain Man and I have kids. Some of the other editors have kids and seem to do an okay job of being there for them, even as they work 60 or 70 hours a week and may struggle to do anything else when they're not at work. I know the job requires a lot of travel and, in most cases, a lot of working evenings and weekends - time that I think should be spent with kids or just in general, living a proper life. I know that I could not work that much and then still feel like I was doing a great job with my family life - and more and more I'm thinking that if you can't do a great (or at least, a really good) job with your family life, why have a family?

She replied that she valued my honesty and was very respectful of this decision (as much of a decision as it currently is). She also suggested that I was perhaps jumping the gun a bit, since my current job doesn't yet require the travel and time investment that is required for other editors. Which is perfectly reasonable for her to say - I do generally plan EXTREMELY far in advance (and no, there won't be any miniature Mountain Men running around the house anytime soon), and my current job is really pretty different from the other editors' as it currently stands. All valid comments - my manager is great in that she generally calls it like it is, and I do respect this feedback.

But the issue goes further than that, and this is the part we really only touched on. She suggested that I need to think about whether there is enough in this job or this industry that I find meaning in. That is, when things are tough and crazy and I'm spending time away from family and life, is there enough that is satisfying or fulfilling to keep me going? I didn't respond very honestly to this, because right now, the answer is no, I don't think there is.

I don't have any pie-in-the-sky dreams that running a bakery is going to be easy. There will be long (and early) hours, there wll be the constant threat of not having enough customers to survive, and it will be a lot of hard work. But I'll be doing the things that I like - baking of course, but also managing a team, developing relationships with customers (the prospect of "regulars" sends a thrill through me), and running things the way I want to. Those are the aspects of my
current job that I do love.

Add to that the fact that any bakery I run would be close enough to home so that any kids of ours could be there after school to do homework or whatever, and that I'd be close enough to home to just be there for them and for Mountain Man - it seems more and more appealing.

I don't know, maybe I'm being naive about this. I don't have kids, and I'm not sure what things would be like if I continued working at PubCo. By leaving, I'd be giving up the financial freedom that comes with having two steady incomes, and that could be challenging for us. Our society seems to think that a family should have two steady incomes and run at a crazy speed. I'm just not sure it's worth it if you don't do something that is meaningful and fulfilling to you.

And yes, I know that not everyone has the luxury of doing something that is meaningful and fulfilling. Some of us just need to be able to support ourselves or our families. But if you had the opportunity, would you make a change? What would you do?


P.S. An hour and a half at the DMV on official name-changing business really gets a girl thinking. And mobile-blogging.

Something New

Let me give you a little bit of history. I’m 29, just married to a great man (I’ll call him Mountain Man to protect his identity), have family nearby (and like it) and a ton of wonderful friends all over the world. If you ask anyone, they’ll tell you that I have always loved to read and when I decided to become an English major (after going from archaeology to medicine to music to business in my mind), there was a resounding “DUH” heard round the world. It made sense.

As soon as she heard it, my mom, who comes from a long line of worriers, started flipping through the classifieds, trying to find a job that would be appropriate for someone who majored in something as cloudy as English. What does one DO with an English degree? Success came one day when she found a publishing company located near the family home, and she tore out the ad and passed it along to me, who filed it away since I had three more years of college to get through. Upon graduating, I applied at the publishing company (we’ll call it “PubCo” to protect its identity) and got a job.

I’ve been with PubCo for seven years, have been promoted four times, and am now one of the acquisitions editors for their book division. And I’ve realized that I just don’t want to do it anymore.

I’m not going to say anything negative about PubCo, because this isn’t the place for that. I’m really not going to complain about my job at all either, because that’s not what I need and what I’m writing this for. All I will say is that I’m tired of working for someone else at something I’m pretty sure I don’t love. And as I told a friend of mine who was playing Devil’s advocate - why should I be doing something for 40 or 50 or 60 hours a week if I don’t love it?

I’ve started this blog to figure out how to take that next step. I pretty much know what I want to do - I want to cook and bake all day. I have grand plans for a small bakery that specializes in Lebanese finger food and rich desserts. Sort of a traditional French bakery (that serves bread, quiche, and sandwiches alongside fruit tarts, eclairs, and meringues), but with a twist.

The issue is really how to do it. So I’ve bought books and have started combing other blogs (some of which you’ll see on this site) and begun working on putting a plan together. This space will be to get feedback from friends, family, and maybe, people who have done this before and have advice.

So keep an eye out, feel free to ask questions or comment or (constructively) criticize. Don’t say anything mean or I’ll kick you out.